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Total Arrogance - The Arrogant Worms
Toast!

LIFE ON THE ROAD
The life of the artist may seem like fun to you
That's cause you don't know the hell that we go through
Waking up at noon working an hour every day
And every now and then having to go on tour and play
But it is almost worth it when we finally appear
At the best place in the world, insert your town name here
Me and my comrades
Are rock n' roll nomads
So hot we might explode
Or get really sweaty, that's life on the road
We do it for the children and for the elderly too
And 'cause we really, really, really, really like you
And we do it for the money and 'cause we're slobs
Who are unqualified for any paying jobs
While you're working nine to five spare a thought for us
As we're sitting watching DVD's on our fancy bus
Getting a massage
From our masseuse, Lars
I'm developing a roll
From all this rich food, that's life on the road
Life on the road (I think it's time for my afternoon nap)
Life on the road (where the hell did I put that map)
Life on the road (sometimes it's hard to find a good salad)
Life on the road (and that's why we're singing this power ballad)
We can try to tell you but you'll never understand
The hell of being wealthy and having lots of fans
So we hope you're happy putting us through hell
Because of you we get to stay in really nice hotels
We sacrifice ourselves bringing joy into your lives
And to sell this crap we've got for you to buy
Stealing toiletries
From the room before we leave
Then to another town we go
After a continental breakfast, that's life on the road
Life on the road
It's hot and it's cold
Like pie a la mode
There's no life like it, life on the road

NEW CAR SMELL
Our love is like a new car smell
Sooner or later it all goes to hell
Somebody farts or spills some taco bell
Our love is like a new car smell
Our love is like a barbeque ignition
You know that button you push lights the propane emission
It works for a month then the spark goes missing
Our love is like a barbeque ignition
Our love is like a video game
That you play alot and then it gets lame
Then a new one comes out that's better but the same
Our love is like a video game
Our love..
Our love is like a surgical procedure
It's painful and invasive, your insurance won't cover
And when it's done you walk funny forever
Our love is like a surgical procedure
Our love is like a Meatloaf song
It has its moments but it's way too long
Like a bat outta hell it all goes wrong
Our love is like a Meatloaf song
Our love is like Keanu Reeves
Who's made some really bad movies
That's all time you can't retrieve
Our love is like Keanu Reeves
Our love..

HOT DOG SONG
Everybody loves hot dogs
Even pasty hippies
'Cause its hard to beat
A tube of meat
But now a question hits me
What the hell's in
A hotdog
I shouldnt ask maybe
'Cause i dont know any animals
That grow clindricaly
So have a hotdog on me my friends
Its made out of animal odds and ends
Have a hotdog on me my friends
Its the particle board of meat
Its good to reuse and recycle
The unpopular pieces of meat
That are quite gross
Yet after they're processed
Are such a delicious treat
So have a hotdog on me my friends
Its made out of animal odds and ends
Have a hotddog on me my friends
Its the partical board of meat
May or maynot contain
Chicken and or
Pork and or
Meat
So have a hotdog on me my friends
Dont think 'bout the parts from the pigs rear end
have a hotdog on me my friends
Its the particle board
The partical board
The board partical of meat

LITTLE CUBAN FRIEND
(not currently able to find them online)

I AM NOT AMERICAN
I am not American,
Though I live in North America
Which is part of the Americas
Which should make me an American
Geographically Canadians,
Are certainly Americans
As are Venisallians,
But not Hawaiians
They're out in the middle of the Ocean
Just like the U.S. Virgin Islands,
Who shoudn't say they are Americans,
Or even Virgins
How could two whole continents,
Lose their name to one Constituent
Where were we when the U.S. went,
And took the word American away?
But to be fair to them,
Their other name options,
Like U.S.A.ers or United Statesians,
Were pretty bad
Still I want to be as American,
As the French are European,
Or those in Antarctica are Antarctican
Even if their just penguins
That leaves us Canadians as Northern North American,
But Alaska's Norther curse them
We're surrounded by Americans
Americans, Americans!
I just called those U.S.A.ers Americans
A name meant for two continents not just them
For if I said I was American,
People would probably think I came from Maine
Still I think I have a plan,
Let's become Antarctican,
And join up with the penguins
For just like them, we're not American!

THE GOLF SONG
Gonna go out and play some golf ya, ya
Gonna go out and play some golf
My golf bag's full of the latest stuff
I'm gonna go out and play some golf
My putter alone was a thousand bucks
I'm gonna go out and suck at golf
Think I better take a muligan ya, ya
Think I better take a mulligan
I put my ball in the pond again
I think I better take a mulligan
I tee it up and take a swing and then SPLASH
Can I get another mulligan?
Get up get up get up get up get up
and get down get down,
Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry
SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN
Dont hit the tree dont hit the tree
Please hit the tree
There must be something wrong with my clubs
All my friends hit it farther than me
YA all my friends hit it farther than me
I just hope I clear the ladies tee
Everyobody hits it farther than me
Just 8 more strokes then I reach a par 3
That kid just hit it farther than me
Get up get up get up get up get up
And get down, get down
Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry
Slow down ball, slow down down down
Dont hit the tree dont hit the tree
Please hit the tree
I took a day off for this
Never be as good as Tiger Woods no no
Never be as good as Tiger Woods
My balls always goin off into the woods
Never be as good as Tiger Woods
I'm hookin' my arms and I'm pullin my woods (What?)
Never be as good as Tiger Woods
Get up get up get up get up get up
and get down get down,
Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry
SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN
Dont hit the tree dont hit the tree
Hit the tree hit the tree
I really hate this stupid game

I PULLED MY GROIN
I pulled my groin
It's the very best injury
Though I'm walking daintily
I pulled my groin
I pulled my groin
When people ask, "It hurts you where?"
I say "Put your hand right there"
I pulled my groin
I pulled my groin
I pulled my groin
Though I do not enjoy walking
I am really happy talking
'bout my groin
I pulled my groin
I pulled my groin
It's the treatment that I love
Because I've bought some oil to rub
I pulled my groin
I pulled my groin
Unless we're in playoff time
When I've got a lower body injury that
Will have to be a game time decision
I pulled my groin
It hurts me when I skate
but not when I master.. hills
I pulled my groin
I pulled my groin

BOTTLE OF BOOZE
There are many wonders in the USA
The cities and the people, and Disney World, hooray!
But coming back to Canada with joy the heart does ooze
'Cause when you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
You buy a bottle of booze
You buy a bottle of booze
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
You buy a bottle of booze
You buy a bottle of booze
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
I was traveling with a gentleman who didn't like to drink
When we got to the border, I commenced to think
I said, "Do me a favour" and he did not refuse
When we got to the border, he bought me a bottle of booze.
You buy a bottle of booze
You buy a bottle of booze
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
You buy a bottle of booze
You buy a bottle of booze
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
You may be in a comedy act, touring through the 'States
You're playing hard in country bars, things aren't going great
A fight breaks out at the pool table, you run before you bruise
But you call the tour successful and buy a bottle of booze.
You buy a bottle of booze
You buy a bottle of booze
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
You buy a bottle of booze
You buy a bottle of booze
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
OK, the sad verse now, the sad verse:
A friend of mine came to me, his face awash in tears
For he could afford the spirit that gave him cheers (aww)
I said, "Aw! Stop yer cryin'! I'll wash away those blues...
When I was at the border, I bought ya a bottle of booze!"
You buy a bottle of booze (hey!)
You buy a bottle of booze (hey!)
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
You buy a bottle of booze (hey!)
You buy a bottle of booze (hey!)
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
You buy a bottle of booze (hey!)
You buy a bottle of booze (hey!)
When you get to the border, you buy a bottle of booze.
HEY!

HEAD IN THE FREEZER
When I'm dead put my head in the freezer
Right beside the corn and the peas
I may be dead but I am not deceased, dear
One day science will re-animate me
Oh I heard about the rich who when they die
Get themselves frozen cryogenic-wise
I know we can't afford to hire no company
When my heart don't beat no more and I lay rigourmortisously
But we got that freezer up on top our fridge
Can't squeeze in my whole body, baby, I'm just way too big
How I wish we had afforded that fancy Frigidaire
So you'd just have to chop off my legs and my derriere
When I'm dead put my head in the freezer
Right beside the corn and the peas
I may be dead but I am not deceased, dear
One day science will re-animate me
Oh I know baby, you're up for the task
You'll wrap me up with more than just string and plastic wrap
Using Tupperware, 'cause you care, and out of concern
That I'd come back to life with a case of freezer burn
When I'm dead put my head in the freezer
Right beside the corn and the peas
I may be dead but I am not deceased, dear
One day science will re-animate me
Oh when I thaw, when I thaw
Hope my new body's six feet tall or more
And if you can't find a man in time
Get a horse, I might make a nice centaur
Oh you'll see my face each night in your dreams
And when you go to the kitchen to fetch some ice cream
But don't worry honey, soon I'll be back on earth
When they cure death and get bodies for the rich guys first
When I'm dead put my head in the freezer
Right beside the corn and the peas
You can dispose of my body at your leisure
You know, I don't think that it ever suited me
When I'm dead put my head in the freezer
Right beside the corn and the peas
I may be dead but I am not deceased, dear
One day science will re-animate me

THE MONKEY SONG
If you believe in Darwin's theory
I'm not saying you have to but it's an interesting theory
Darwin said we all evolve from monkeys
If his theory is accurate and who am I to say?
Does the opposite work going the other way?
If it does I wanna devolve back to a monkey
I wanna be a monkey that's for sure
I wanna be a monkey like Curious George
I would sit around all day just eating bananas
I might be naked or just wear pyjamas
And make my money appearing in hilarious movies
Monkey see, monkey do
That would be my excuse
It's not my fault, I'm just a monkey who can see
I wanna be a monkey, that'd be nice
I wanna be a monkey, eating other monkey's lice
When they say it's so easy that a monkey could do it
I'd be more than happy to prove it
Then you'd know for sure if it was easy or not
And if you wanna see the home of Michael Jackson
I could provide some simian distraction
Cuz we all know monkeys are Michael's second biggest weakness
I wanna be a monkey yes I do
I wanna be a monkey and fling my poo
I wanna be a monkey
I'd be agape if I was an ape
What a thrilla to be a gorilla
It would rock to be a macaque
I wanna be a monkey

PARTICLE BOARD
Well my baby came at me with a 2x4
So I fought her off with sandpaper
It was 60 grit, it was really rough
And it made a lot of sawdust
But we patched things up with love and glue
We went to the church and said "I do"
Our honeymoon was at a hardware store
Our love's a lot like particle board
Particle Board, it ain't got no grain
Unless you paint it with a darkwood stain
Particle Board, it doesn't take no brains to know that
Our love's a lot like particle board
Well I heard the train come rolling by
With cattle on board, so we decided
We should drop everything and hop that train
And take a one-way trip to the slaughterhouse
Well we stared at the cattle as they took the walk
To meet the man who worked the saw
We stared at the blood and the guts and the gore
It looked an awful lot like particle board
Particle Board, it ain't got no grain
Unless you paint it with a darkwood stain
Particle Board, it doesn't take no brains to know that
Our love's a lot like particle board
We made love on a flat bed truck
She worried about getting splinters in her butt
I said don't think about those problems when we rut
The deck's made of particle board
Ahh, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Particle board, you could make a dresser
Or a shelf or a hutch or an ottoman
You could leave it like it is or paint it up
It's still gonna be made of particle board
Particle board, it's useful stuff
It's stronger than glue, it's better than fluff
It sounds like a simile and that's enough
To say that our love's a lot like particle board
Our love's a lot like particle board
Our love's a lot like particle board
Our love's a lot like particle board
Ahh, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Particle Board!

SHIPWRECK BALLADEER
I have been since seventeen a shipwreck balladeer
Tragedy and misery are what makes my career
Watery graves are my stock and trade, but it's getting harder
For all the boats that now do float are returning safely to the harbour
There hasn't been a shipwreck scene since 1965
And I find I cry each time a crew returns alive
I only cheer when gales appear and threaten fresh disaster
They pass by, the boat survives, only my career's in tatters
They're building ships too good today, and I'm the one who suffers
They don't get rent from aft to stern and their halls never rupture
Not dashed on rocks and never tossed to heaven on a wave
You may think it well and good but my livelihood sails away
There once were found, twenty in town, who wrote about shipwrecks
When boats sank lots, just like rocks, 'twas good as it gets
But the golden ages passed away and I'm barely survivin'
The balladeers are dead I fear and workin' in advertisin'
They're building ships too good today and it's hurtin' me
Why can't even one poor soul fall into the dark sea
And be ripped apart by hungry sharks in a bloody spree
You may think it well and good, but my livelihood sails away
Oh the only tragedy left to sing about is me
That government bastard's been sent to take my job from me
That inspector's making sure the ships are seaworthy
He can try, no way will I ever give up hope
When he went by, I did pry a big hole in his boat
They're building ships too good today, so I helped one along
How sweet it is to once again hear the tortured song
Of a man afloat a sinking boat, who knows he will die today
You might think it bad not good, but my livelihood's here to stay
It's here to staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

THE COFFEE SONG
Young Derrick would love to take my order
He works at the coffee place just up the street
He's happy and annoying with a smirk the size of Texas
He's my coffee enemy
Would you like a mochacino?
Or perhaps a cappucino?
Or maybe a frappucino?
Said Derrick wearing the chinos
All I really want is a cup of coffee
So strong the spoon stands up just a cup of coffee
All I really want is a cup of coffee
Give me a friggin' cup of coffee, Derrick
You should try out biscotti
Or a low-cal cabbage cookie
This muffin's only 3.50
And what's super great is that it's fat free
Don't wanna smell like an espresso
With your coffee scented soap
Maybe you should have some chai tea
Or maybe join me in some tai chi
All I really want is a cup of coffee
In a non-biodegradable cup just a cup of coffee
All I really want is a cup of coffee
Give me a friggin' cup of coffee
Oh Derrick why won't you listen to me
I don't want a magazine or a CD
I don't want a latte or a frappe
Just give me a coffee that doesn't taste crappe
All I really want is a cup of coffee (3X)
Give me a friggin' cup of coffee
All I really want (3X)
Give me a friggin' cup of coffee, Derrick

TRIP TO GREECE
On his trip to Greece x4 Heyyyy...
There's nothing good on the T.V (On his trip to Greece)
And there's no toga parties (On his trip to Greece)
So I see the ruins there (On his trip to Greece)
They could sure use some repair (On his trip to Greece)
The first day all I eat is lots and lots of souvlaki
For it's the only word that I can speak
But it goes right through me, which is bad, because Greek
Plumbing peaked in 400 B.C
On his trip to Greece x4 Heyyyy...
Get souvenirs for my Ma (On his trip to Greece)
That were made in China (On his trip to Greece)
Then down to the beach I go (On his trip to Greece)
To see something cultural (On his trip to Greece)
For I had heard the girls sunbathe in the European way
A bigger fan of that you'll never find
When I see that it's true, I take off my top too
My pasty body making them all blind
On his trip to Greece x4 Heyyyy...
I get water in my ear (On his trip to Greece)
Which makes it kind of hard to hear (On his trip to Greece)
It isn't bad 'cause already (On his trip to Greece)
All they say is Greek to me
He thinks this joke is so funny
That he says repeatedly (On his trip to Greece)
I thought I drank a bottle full of water but it was ouzo,
Now I'm going to pass out in the sand
Oh, if once again the mood hits me to go to some foreign country
I am going to go to Disneyland

WOLFE ISLAND FERRY
Oh the Wolfe Island Ferry is a very nice ferry
It's a very nice ferry it's the Wolfe Island Ferry
The Wolfe Island Ferry is a very nice ferry
It's a very nice ferry, it's the Wolfe Island Ferry!
Oh the Wolfe Island Ferry is a very nice ferry
It's a very nice ferry it's the Wolfe Island Ferry
The Wolfe Island Ferry is a very nice ferry
It's a very nice ferry, it's the Wolfe Island Ferry!
General Wolfe beat General Montcalm on the Plains of Abraham
And because of this, they liked him an awful lot in Kingston
The town was named Kingston in the county Frontenac
So they spotted an island, and they called it Wolfe Island!
Oh, it's got a couple highways and a really nice restaurant
Called the "General Wolfe", and it's named after General Wolfe
Who won a couple of battles and had an island named after him
It's a really nice place and a good port to smuggle booze in from the States
Oh the Wolfe Island Ferry is a very nice ferry
It's a very nice ferry it's the Wolfe Island Ferry
The Wolfe Island Ferry is a very nice ferry
It's a very nice ferry, it's the Wolfe Island Ferry!
Oh, the Wolfe Island Ferry doesn't carry any wolves
Or any source of animals, except for a couple of seagulls
Who are really lazy, and so they land on the ferry
And that way, they don't have to fly all the way to Wolfe Island
Oh, the Wolfe Island Ferry doesn't carry any fairies
Cause fairies, unlike seagulls, don't really mind the flying
They fly over to Wolfe Island sprinkling fairy dust all over
Except it's really more like battery acid and it burns your skin until you die
Well, they've got lots of potatos and Anne of Green Gables
Oh crap, that's Prince Edward Island
Sometimes I get confused when I switch my medication
But I can see the bunny!
Oh the Wolfe Island Ferry is a very nice ferry
It's a very nice ferry it's the Wolfe Island Ferry
The Wolfe Island Ferry is a very nice ferry
It's a very nice ferry, it's the Wolfe Island Ferry!

  

I like toast