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Total Arrogance - The Arrogant Worms
Gift-Wrapped - The Best of the Arrogant Worms

A MAN HAS NEEDS
Baby I wanna tell you all my hopes and dreams and fears
But I'm watching television, could you get me another beer
There's wrestling and pro football on, I hope you understand
I must watch it all for I am a man
And a man has needs
And a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn
And a man he bleeds
And a man he perspires
'Til the stains show on his shirt
I missed our anniversary and the birth of our son
It was beyond my control, my team was on a playoff run
Oh baby, baby, baby, you mean everything to me
But could you move your butt, you're blocking the TV
Cuz a man has needs
And a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn
And a man he bleeds
And a man he does tire
Gets sleepy and naps on the couch
Oh baby, oh honey, oh darling, oh pudding
Wait, what are you doing with that suitcase?
Leaving me? What do you mean we don't communicate we're talking all the time. We're talking about...
Whoa! Monster trucks! Man, that little Volkswagon ain't got no chance against a cow crusher! Come on cow crusher! Crush that little... you're gone. I hope she left me one of those little pudding pops. They're tasty.
For a man has needs
And a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn. burn, burn
And a man he bleeds
And he shops at Canadian Tire
And he always keeps his coupons
Yes, a man has needs
And a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn
And a man he bleeds
And a man he expires
And he cried when Wayne Gretzky retired

JESUS' BROTHER BOB
If you haven't heard of me
I wouldn't be surprised
I bet you know my relatives
Their names will never die
My mother is a saint
And my brother is a God
But all I am is Jesus' brother Bob
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
I have to take the ferry
To cross the Galilee
But not my brother
No not him
He walks across for free
I finally get to work
'bout a quarter after nine
Already he's turning water into wine
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of god
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
One day when I was home
I heard a mighty roar
There were a thousand people
Right outside the door
Help us, Jesus, help us!
Came the cheering from the mob
But then they got a look at me
Oh nuts, it's only Bob
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
He died upon the cross
I thought that I was free
Finally people would get to know
Me for me
(hi Bob, hi!)
This was my big chance
To finally get ahead
The next thing you know
He's rising from the dead
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
Everybody!
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
A-bob

BOY BAND
Uh-huh, c'mon, give me some, now.
You know something girl?
I'm thinking about you right now.
You don't wanna know what I'm thinking about you girl,
Or-or do you?
Girl you think i'm the bomb
But i'm old enough to be dating your mom, and i did
She wasn't that bad
But you're grounded if you tell your dad
That you like the way we dance
With rock hard abs and plastic pants.
You give us teddy bears,
And in return we shave our chest hairs (yeah, we're so manly)
Cuz we're singing in a boy band,
The words are stupid and the music's bland
We'll never see a dime from selling out to the man,
yeah, we're a boy band
We say we met in church,
but we're a product of market research, (oh, we lied)
We sing about sex,
to little girls who shouldn't think about sex yet
it's not like they listen (it's not like they care)
Cuz when we sweat our bodies glisten
We like the color blue, (blue, blue, blue)
And we're appearing at a mall near you (right beside the food court)
Cuz we're singing in a boy band,
The words are stupid and the music's bland
No one likes us here but we're big in Japan,
Yeah, we're a boy band
Throw your hands up in the air and wave 'em around
like you just don't care
you just don't care, you just don't care,
now bring your hands down from the air
Cuz we're singing in a boy band
the words are stupid and the music's bland
another pollutant in the pop wasteland,
Yeah, we're a boy band
yeah, we're a boy band
Yeah, we're a boy band

MALCOLM
Billy solves his problems by calling up his Mom
Heather solves her problems with drugs and Alcohol
Daniel solves his problems with a doctor and the law
But Malcolm's got his own way and it's better than them all
Chorus:
'Cause Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw (repeat 3 times)
and he never has the same problem twice
Whether it's a bill or a cheque arriving late
Rancid marble cheese or a steak that's second rate
Awful TV programs or a broken Elvis plate
Or his fiancee who dumps him because he's gaining weight
Chorus
vruum vruum (with accompanied screaming)
Problem solved.

BIG FAT ROAD MANAGER
Every rock band has this guy
Not many people really know why
He's got a cell phone and a backstage pass
He's got a big gut and a big fat ass
He's the big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
He plugs in guitars and microphone jacks (big, fat road manager)
He makes sure the system won't feedback (big, fat road manager)
He yells check one 'til his face turns blue (big, fat road manager)
Don't you wish he could count to two
He's the big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
The contract says there's beer for free (big, fat road manager)
A bottle for you and a case for me (big, fat road manager)
I'll make sure you've a place to stay (big, fat road manager)
Then I'll eat your deli tray
He's the big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
You may wonder why the road manager's so wide
He's the one who blocks the door when the tax colllector comes by
The tour hits the road he spends his day (big, fat road manager)
At an all-you-can-eat buffet (big, fat road manager)
But if he can come to terms (big, fat road manager)
He will manage the arrogant worms
As our big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Is this thing on?

CARROT JUICE IS MURDER
Listen up brothers and sisters, come here my desperate tale
I speak of our friends of nature, trapped in the dirt like a jail
Vegtables live in oppression, served on out tables each night
This killing of veggies is madness, I say we take up the fight
Salads are only for murderers, cole slaw's a fascist regime
Don't think that they don't have feelings, just cause a radish can't scream
I've heard the screams of the vegetables, watching their skins being peeled
Grated and steamed with no mercy.. how do you think that feels?
Carrot juice constitutes murder.. greenhouses prisons for slaves
It's time to stop all this gardening.. let's call a spade a spade.
I saw a man eating celery, so I beat him black and blue
If he ever touches a sprout again, I'll bite him clean in two
I'm a political prisoner, trapped in a windowless cage
'cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips, by killing five men in a rage
I told the judge when he sentenced me, this is my finest hour..
I'd kill those farmers again, just to save one more cauliflower
I've heard the screams of the vegetables, watching their skins being peeled
Grated and steamed with no mercy.. how do you think that feels?
Carrot juice constitutes murder.. greenhouses prisons for slaves
It's time to stop all this gardening.. let's call a spade a spade.
How low as people do we dare to stoop
Making our broccolis bleed in the soup
Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes
Let potted plants free, don't mash that potato!
I've heard the screams of the vegetables, watching their skins being peeled
Grated and steamed with no mercy.. how do you think that feels?
Carrot juice constitutes murder.. greenhouses prisons for slaves
It's time to stop all this gardening.. let's call a spade a spade.
Is a spade is a spade is a spade is a... spade


THE HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG
Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun
And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song
Happy birthday!
Now you’re one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn’t over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn’t die this year
I guess that’s good enough
So let’s drink to your fading health
And hope you don’t remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year
Does it feel like you’re doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer
Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You’re starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It’s downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone
If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like walt disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice
But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn’t ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might
Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life’s so sad it’s funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, dear...
(random calling out of names, including ralph, bill, ralph kramden,
Skippy, the bush kangaroo, and the b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-bu-)

ME LIKE HOCKEY
Me work Hard five days a week,
sweeping garbage from the street.
Come home not one book to read,
not 'nuff pictures for me see.
Sit right down in favorite chair,
wearing only underwear.
Favorite night is Saturday night,
'cause me can watch hockey fights.
Me like hockey
Me like hockey
Me not like pro basketball,
'cause me short and they all tall.
Baseball slow like Forrest Gump,
'cept when Robbie spits on ump.
Wrestlemania not so great,
Me like to see Hulk Hogan Skate.
TV socccer not that hot,
you play bad and you get shot.
Me like hockey
Me like hockey
Swedish players must be geeks, haha
'cause they still got own real teeth. hahaha
Not like Finnish players names,
what's a Teemu anyway? hahaha
Russians worst in history,
got stupid names like Valeri. hahaha
Me like Sergi Federov,
Me like him more if head were off. hahaha
Me like hockey
Me like hockey
Me like hockey
We like hockey
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Let them fight
Let them fight
Let them fight
Let them fight!
Let them fight!!
Let them fight!!!
Let them!!!!
Friends come over, put game on,
argue then we lay bets down.
Got bag of chips and case of Bud,
should last 'til end of first period.
But Yankees they win The World Cup,
me think they cheat use glowing puck.
Maybe if we want to win her,
maybe we should play in winter.
Me Like Hockey
Me Like Hockey
Me Like Hockey
Me Like Hockey
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

IDIOT ROAD
All towns have a place
Where decent drivers are not safe
Where traffic law is touch and go
Where the posted limit does not bind
And half the drivers seem to blind
And the other half is stupid, whoa, whoa, whoa
Well Billy-Bob and Bobby-Sue
And little Jimmy-Jerry and Betty-Boo
All know it's dangerous to go
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road they drive real fast
They never put their signal on when they want to pass
They cut you off as they talk on their cell phones (Down on Idiot Road)
Granny's doing thirty on the passing lane
The tailgater behind you got his bumper on your brain
Where people think that stop means go
Down on Idiot Road
The guy beside you picking his nose
Starts running you off the road
You give him a honk and he gives you the finger
So you swerve into the passing lane
But the idiot is doing the same
And your turnoff's coming up, whoa, whoa, whoa
So a three lane change you try to pull
When some guy on a bicycle
Puts his spandex butt where you need to go
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road they drive real fast
They never put their signal on when they want to pass
They cut you off as they talk on their cell phones (Down on Idiot Road)
Granny's doing thirty on the passing lane
The tailgater behind you got his bumper on your brain
Where people think that stop means go
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road

CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE
Chorus
Christmas is almost here (x3)
Aaahhhggggrrr!
It's just five days till Christmas, I haven't done a thing
Don't even have a Christmas tree, I am panicking
Most lots are all sold out, I search until the night
I end up with a grubby shrub with a case of blight
Chorus
It's four days till Christmas, still have to decorate
Spend hours in the basement until I find the crate
Of lights and bulbs and popcorn strings, tangled in a knot
Then I spend the day separating what I've got
Chorus
It's three days till Christmas, I spent all day writing cards
I started writing letters now I just say "best regards"
I shove 'em in a mailbox and to the mall I go
To get gifts for Jim and Jane and Tim and Uncle Joe (and aunt Mavis and Grandma and ....)
Chorus
Two days till Christmas, a million things to do
Clean the house, put on tea, company is due
Where are my in-laws, they should have shown up
I bet they're at the airport I forgot to pick them up
Chorus (x4)
Christmas is here
It's finally Christmas, the kids wake me up at five
I fall downstairs a messy haired zombie, half-alive
Spend all day serving company, then fall down inert
If these are my holidays I'd rather stay at work

LOG IN TO YOU
You double clicked my heart
You upgraded my life
You booted up my hard drive
Please be my cyber-wife
You logged into my soul
You downloaded my dreams
Let's go to my chatroom
And I'll show you what I mean
I wanna log in to you
So I can prove my love is true
You're the Apple of my IBM
Let me interface with you
I wanna log in to you
Password incorrect
My login was denied
I gotta open up your motherboard
Put my Pentium inside
I got a 21 screen
The colours will make you dizzy
My attachments are full
Of love for you
But you modem still rings busy
www.love
you&me.com
You can unzip all my floppy files
And spin my CD-ROM
I wanna log in to you
So I can prove my love is true
I'm free of any virus
And I've been debugged too
I wanna log in to you
So I can prove my love is true
Be my laptop dancer
I got lotsa RAM for you
I wanna log in to you
www.love
you&me.com

I AM COW
I am Cow
Hear me moo
I weigh twice as much as you
And I look good on the barbecue
Yogurt, curd, cream cheese, and butter's
Made from liquid from my udders
I am cow,
I am cow, hear me moo!
I am cow, eating grass
Methane gas comes out my ass
And out my muzzle when I belch
Oh the ozone layer is thinner
From the outcome of my dinner
I am cow,
I am cow, I've got gas.
I am cow, here I stand
Far and wide upon this land
And I am living everywhere
From B.C. to Newfoundland
You can squeeze my teats by hand
I am cow, I am cow, I am cow,
I am cow, I am cow, I am cooooooooow!

CELINE DION
i think i got a crush on celine dion
the way she beats her chest when she sings a love song
there's something about her, makes me want to feed her
and i'd love to be mister celine dion
She'll sing a song in english, then she'll sing en francais
both the songs will suck, but i love her anyway
she's full of emotion, i'm full of devotion
for celine, and i'll be hers some day
Chorus:
oh celine dion, you soft rock my world
won't you please be my celine
i'd do anything if you'd be my girl
oh be my girl celine
i sent you cards and letters, but you don't respond
(you don't respond)
you play hard to get, but my heart goes on and on
(on and on.....)
i just want to say, je vous aimerais
and i can see your house from my van
Chorus
her skin's so soft and clean
just like porceline
i wish she'd slather me
with a tub of vaseline
that was a little creepy
i'm sorry celine (celine) celine (celine) celine
Celine Dion

LET THERE BE GUNS
One, two, three, four...
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
There'd be no more crime, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
We wouldn't need the police no more, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
(Yeah!)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun? (had a gun)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun? (had a gun)
Nobody'd ever get shot, 'cause everybody'd have a gun! (Makes sense!)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We'd all feel safe, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun? (had a gun)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun? (had a gun)
Everyone'd be equal, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
Not me, I got me a rifle!
Well hang on, if you got yourself a rifle then I wanna get me a semi-automatic weapon!
You get a semi-automatic weapon and I'm gonna want an automatic weapon!
You get yourself an automatic weapon, I'm gonna get a super-automatic weapon!
Well if you get a super-automatic weapon, then I'm gonna get a
super-duper-automatic weapon with a CD-ROM drive!
If you get yourself one of those I'm gonna get a
super-duper-automatic weapon with a CD-ROM drive, and a big old hard
drive, and a big guitar amp so I can play BTOs...
(rants on while the rest of the worms sing)
Wouldn’t it be great if everybody had the weapon of their choice?
Wouldn’t it be great if everybody had the weapon of their choice?
Wouldn’t it be great if everybody had a gun?
(still ranting..)
I’ll go so fast I’ll be able to chase you from here to Saigon, and
Then I’ll shoot like little Nerf rockets at you and poke you in the
Eye ’cause it’ll have automatic like finger-poking in the eye
Things and I’ll get myself another guitar amp...


RIPPY THE GATOR
Hi kids! Welcome to the Uncle Bobo Show! are you ready to sing? Come on, let's go!
Billy and his family
Went on a holiday
They went down to Florida
To laugh and dance and play
Bill went in for a swim
He didn't see the harm
But when he came back out again
He was short an arm!
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Billy and his father
Went out to play some catch
But Billy missed the pass
Because his arm was unattached
The ball flew past his shoulder
And it rolled into the swamp
When he went wading after it
His leg became a stump!
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Billy and his father
Joined a three-legged race
They were tearing up the field
No one could keep the pace
But Billy tripped and did a flip
And landed in the muck
He was running out of limbs
And also out of luck!
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Billy was all dirty
He really had to wash
But he couldn't use a towel
'cause his limbs had been gnawed off.
He went into the water
To get all clean and bright
But when he was finished
He was only half his height.
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Billy's father rolled his wheelchair
Up upon a hill
He wanted to take Bill
Where he would not get killed
But he left him on a slope
And into a swamp he rolled
They dragged out his head
But there was nothing down below!
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp
(down in the swamp..)

SANTA'S COMING AND HE'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause you've always been a rotten little brat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna bite your wreath
They're gonna chew your welcome mat
Swallow your kitty cat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna eat your begonia's
'cause Santa hasn't fed them in a month
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause he's sick of shoveling snow and reindeer poo
Elves are coming and they're gonna steal your turkey
Wreck your TV
Burn down your Christmas tree
Elves are coming and they're gonna trash your home
'cause they ain't got nothing else to do
Santa's loaded with attitude
He's loud and drunk and smelly and rude
His workshop's been closed by an auditor
And Mrs. Claus ran off with her chiropractor.
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause he's had a really crappy year

BONUS TRACK : DOG NAMED BOB
I once had a dog named Bob
And Bob's a funny name for a dog
If you're gonna get a dog, don't name him Bob
My neighbour's name is also Bob
And every time I call my dog
My neighbour Bob shows up without my dog
Hey, Bob, not YOU, Bob
I'm looking for my dog
Have you seen my dog named Bob?
My dog named Bob
Bob the dog drank antifreeze
I got a new dog named Jeez
So I could yell "Oh Jeez!" just when I please
And when Jehovah's Witnesses
Come to my house in Saturdays
I ask them if they'd like to witness Jeez
Holy Jeez, they fell on their knees
They beg me, "Please, can we meet Jeez, pretty please?"
Oh Holy Jeez
Well those Jehovah's Witnesses
Called the Humane Society
They took my Jeez away from me
And then the Catholic diosces
Made a big deal out of Jeez
And now I have to pay to go see Jeez
Hey, Jeez, remember me?
Remember the beach and playing Frisbee with me?
For the love of Jeez

BONUS TRACK : SONG INSIDE MY HEAD
There's a tune inside my head
that makes me wish that I were dead
It keeps on going on and on
and I don't even like this song
I don't know where I heard it first
but now it has become my curse
Wish that it would go away
but it is stuck on replay
Go away
Go away
Your melody
Is killing me
There it is once again
swimming through my cranium
Suffocating all my thoughts
an auditory candy floss
This musical inanity
driving me to insanity
If I only had one wish
I'd kill the person who wrote it
Go away
Go away
You're a bad song
So move along
It's louder than it was before
I don't think I can take much more
So I jump and scream and shout
hoping I can drown it out
But instead I trip and fall
and bash my head upon a wall
Wait a second where'd it go?
What's that on the radio?
No! NO!!

  

I like toast