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Total Arrogance - The Arrogant Worms
Live Bait

JESUS' BROTHER BOB
If you haven't heard of me
I wouldn't be surprised
I bet you know my relatives
Their names will never die
My mother is a saint
And my brother is a god
But all I am is Jesus' brother Bob
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God Junior
I have to take the ferry
To cross the Galilee
But not my brother
No not him
He walks across for free
I finally get to work
'Bout a quarter after nine
Already he's turning water into wine
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God Junior
One day when I was home
I heard a mighty roar
(*audience* ROAR!!)
There were a thousand people
Right outside the door
Help us, Jesus, help us!
Came the cheering from the mob
But then they got a look at me
Oh nuts, it's only Bob
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God Junior
He died upon the cross
I thought that I was free
Finally people would get to know
Me for me
(Hi Bob, Hi, Judas!)
This was my big chance
To finally get ahead
The next thing you know
He's rising from the dead
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God Junior
Everybody!
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God Junior
Aaaa-Bob

THE MOUNTIE SONG
When I was a kid I wanted to grow up and be a cop in a
province town or county
I thought it would be great if somedy i could only ever be a
Mountie
I wanted to beat up crooks and make arrests because that's
part of the profession
But now I just sit on my horse and tell American tourists the
parliament's in session
I really don't look good in red and my stupid hat flies off my
head in every parade
I'm young and strong and have no fear but now I'm spending
my career in Motorcades (keep it moving)
CHORUS
I wanna enforce the law, I wanna wear normal clothes
I don't wanna have to smile for diplomat's home videos
I'm good at workin' real hard, I should have joined the Coast
Gaurd
Oh no the RCMP, is not the life for me
(Come on everybody dance like me!)
I used to think that a Mountie had to be honest, loyal, humble
strong and thrifty
But even though we don't break ranks we get no thanks, they
took us off the fifty (dollar bill)
On Sussex Drive in hallowed halls we act like gaurds in
shopping malls, it's such a pain (ah, come on in they're sleeping)
Like someone's plotting the assassination of the minister of
Sports and Recreation oh that's insane
Sometimes I just wanna puke on Sgt. Preston of the Yukon
Dudley Dooright's such a jerk
And though he tries with all his heart, my horse couldn't catch a
shopping cart
Somedays I hate to go to work
CHORUS(with "R..C..M..P...R..C..M..P..." in backround)
Halious banter between mountie and americans)
CHORUS(with "R..C..M..P...R..C..M..P..." in backround)

CANADA'S REALLY BIG
(spoken)
thank you very much
now we're very, uh, we're very patriotic canadians
and we'd like to take this moment to,
uh, to do our national anthem, that we wrote
(song begins)
When i look around me, i can't believe what i see
it seems as if this country has lost its will to live
the economy is lousy, we barely have an army
but we can still stand proudly because canada's really big
we're the second largest country on this planet earth
and if Russia keeps on shrinking, then soon we'll be first!
(as long as we keep quebec)
The USA has tanks, and switzerland has banks
they can keep them thanks, they just don't amount
cause when you get down to it, you find out what the truth is,
it isn't what you do with it, it's the size that counts
most people will tell you that france is pretty large
but you can put fourteen frances into this land of ours!
(it'd take a lot of work, it'd take a whole lot of work)
we're larger than malaysia, almost as big as asia
we're bigger than australia and it's a continent
so big we seldom bother to go see one another
though we often go to other countries for vacations
our mountains are very pointy, our prairies are not
the rest is kinda bumpy, but man do we have a lot!
(we've got a lot of land, we've got a whole lot of land)
so stand up and be proud and sing it very loud
we stand out from the crowd, cause Canada's really big

ME LIKE HOCKEY
Me work Hard five days a week,
sweeping garbage from the street.
Come home not one book to read,
not 'nuff pictures for me see.
Sit right down in favorite chair,
wearing only underwear.
Favorite night is Saturday night,
'cause me can watch hockey fights.
Me like hockey
Me like hockey
Me not like pro basketball,
'cause me short and they all tall.
Baseball slow like Forrest Gump,
'cept when Robbie spits on ump.
Wrestlemania not so great,
Me like to see Hulk Hogan Skate.
TV socccer not that hot,
you play bad and you get shot.
Me like hockey
Me like hockey
Swedish players must be geeks, haha
'cause they still got own real teeth. hahaha
Not like Finnish players names,
what's a Teemu anyway? hahaha
Russians worst in history,
got stupid names like Valeri. hahaha
Me like Sergi Federov,
Me like him more if head were off. hahaha
Me like hockey
Me like hockey
Me like hockey
We like hockey
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Let them fight
Let them fight
Let them fight
Let them fight!
Let them fight!!
Let them fight!!!
Let them!!!!
Friends come over, put game on,
argue then we lay bets down.
Got bag of chips and case of Bud,
should last 'til end of first period.
But Yankees they win The World Cup,
me think they cheat use glowing puck.
Maybe if we want to win her,
maybe we should play in winter.
Me Like Hockey
Me Like Hockey
Me Like Hockey
Me Like Hockey
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

PROUD TO BE CANADIAN
Our fair country, Canada, is north of USA.
Our Maritimes are lovely and our prairies give us hay.
Oh, you might think you Yankees are better than us Canucks.
Well, we don't need no microchips inside our hockey pucks.
We know that you've got Disney World,
and you keep it very clean.
Well we don't have Bob Dole,
but we can drink when we're nineteen.
We may watch your TV shows for hours and hours and hours.
We'll give you Alan Thicke, but Shania Twain is ours.
Chorus:
We're proud to be Canadian.
We're awfully nice to strangers, our manners be our curse.
It's cool in many ways to be Canadian.
We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less worse.
Your beer's not too tasty and your weather can't be beat.
We all fly south in the winter time to escape the snow and sleet.
We're pleased to say that we've enjoyed all your southern charms.
But we get sunburnt when we exercise the right to bare our arms.
(Chorus)
Alanis Morrisette she is our latest pride and joy.(ohh)
She used to sing about high school dances and chasing after boys.(yeah)
But now she is fed up(fed up) and about as angry as can be.
She's got one hand in her pocket, and the other's on guard for thee.
We're proud to be Canadian.(Proud to be Canadian)
We're awfully nice to strangers, our manners be our curse.(we're just to darn nice)
It's cool in many ways to be Canadian.(it's cool cause its cold up here)
We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less worse.
We're proud to be Canadian.(proud to be Canadian)
We're awfully nice to strangers, our manners be our curse.(Can I get the door for you ma'am?)
It's cool in many ways to be Canadian.(it's cool cause it's cold up here)
We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less worse.
Beers are not enough
Man: Well wasn't that great? Let's take a breef intermission, and we'll be right back with The Arrogant Worms.
Here they are again, The Arrogant Worms.

MALCOLM
Billy solves his problems by calling up his Mom
Heather solves her problems with drugs and Alcohol
Daniel solves his problems with a doctor and the law
But Malcolm's got his own way and it's better than them all
Chorus:
'Cause Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw (repeat 3 times)
and he never has the same problem twice
Whether it's a bill or a cheque arriving late
Rancid marble cheese or a steak that's second rate
Awful TV programs or a broken Elvis plate
Or his fiancee who dumps him because he's gaining weight
Chorus
vruum vruum (with accompanied screaming)
Problem solved.

TV WEATHER GUY
My father was a lawyer, mom's at university
My brother and my sister, they both have their Ph.D.
My grampa was a pilot shooting Nazis from t he sky
But I am the most famous, I'm a TV weather guy
He smiles at the camera and tells a little joke
He always says it's sunny if the telestrator's broke
Thinks a meteorologist knows what falls from the sky
But he's got a steady income as a TV weather guy
They said that I'm not qualified to be on the TV
Don't know Celsius from Fahrenheit so I just say degrees
I just read the temperatures and make up a bunch of lies
And end up being right more than the guy on channel five
He smiles at the camera and tells a little joke
He always says it's sunny if the telestrator's broke
Thinks cloud are made from cotton that have blown up to the sky
But he's got a steady income as a TV weather guy
On Saturdays I must be out of bed by five A.M.
Put on a ton of make-up and then stare at the camera lens
Greeting all the viewers with a "Hi-hi-hip-hello!"
'Cause it's the day I have to host a kiddie cartoon show
He smiles at the camera then to his puppet sock
He raves about the crayon drawings of the family dog
Did a promo at the shopping mall and made the children cry
He's a lousy clown but a good TV weather guy
They said that I'm not cute enough to be an anchorman
Not tough enough for sports and for the arts I was too bland
But I know that some day I will reach my TV goal
When I guest star on Baywatch or 90210
'Til then I'll smile at the camera and tell a little joke
He always says it's sunny if the telestrator's broke
He wonders why big storms are always named for other guys
But he's got a steady income as a TV weather guy
He's got a steady income as a TV weather guy!

THE BAllAD OF DAN
I'm out on the range surveying the land
Thinking of the job that's to be done
My life is hard but I don't mind
Men like me that's how the West was won
I stand the pain and the suffering
For on the trail I am king
On doors I knock and on bells I ring
Always sure that I will get the sale
Chorus:
For I am Dan the insurance sales man
In a beat up Chevrolet I do ride
I rope them in and tie them up and bind them legally
For on the dotted line I make them sign
Well, the door swings wide, and I sense my prey
Ready to fall victim to my pitch
I tell him all about the plan
With all of it's inherent benefits
If you lose an arm it's a thousand bucks
Lose both of them and get twice as much
And if you should die well then bless your luck
You'll be just raking in the cash
Chorus
The sucker signs the deal is done
Time for me to get back on the road
A lonely man out on the land
Out where the wind can blow so cold
I ride into the setting sun
With the knowledge of a job well done
But I ca't rest until everyone
Has become properly insured
Chorus

CAR FULL OF PAIN
I bought me an auto an '81 Ford Escort wagon
Now the fan it be broke and the tailpipe it be draggin'
I feel like a shlemeel, my mechanics fit for hangin'
I got to go to Rust Check 'bout the price I'll be hagglin'
I can't drive it home because the muffler it be saggin'
Got a carfull of pain
Satan's in my engine Beelzebub's in my trunk
Mephistopeles at the wheel because I'm too god damn drunk
Baal's my passenger and Lucifer's beside him
I've got demons in the coolant I've got bats in the transmisson
This Escort needs an exorcism Pan is to blame
I got a carfull of pain
I put a tiger in my tank I let a champ spark my gas
Now I got's a demon in the hood a pain in the ass
I think the seats are broken
Oh no. Okay take it! Blind Lemon Trevor!
Yeah, make it hurt! Stop! Stop! It didn't have to hurt that much.
Please please mister take your blessed wrench
Cast out this demon hoard and replace that brimstone stench
With the smell of gasoline a heavenly muffled roar
I'll worship you oh Speedy man Mr Goodwrench even more
Let it run, let it run, let in run, oh God, let it run!
And now it purrs just like a kitten it roars just like a lion
It looks just like a temple golden carved by the Mayans
Here comes the mechanic "Oh no, how much?"
Four hundred bucks you piece of slime you smell and you suck!
Your father was a jackal your Mom his sister bitch
I got a carfull of pain
I got a carfull of pain
I got a carfull of pain
I got a carfull of pain
I got a carfull of pain
I got a carfull of pain
I got a carfull of pain
Carfull of, carfull of, carfull of pain.

MOUNTED ANIMAL NATURE TRAIL
On the Mounted Animal Nature Trail
You'll be sure to see
All Mother Nature's favorite pets
All sitting rigidly.
They're never hungry anymore
They're last meal left them stuffed.
Don't worry they won't walk away
If you you try to pet their fluff.
Where the dog goes... (pause)
And the cow goes... (pause)
And the bear goes... (pause)
And the pig goes... (pause)
And the crow goes... KWAH!
I guess it was alive.
You can see all this
At the Mounted Animal Nature Trail.(Dance)
The Mounted Animal Nature Trail
It's great for mom and dad.
Where else can grandma and the kids
See the Silence of the Lambs.
Don't have to walk a hundred miles
Or climb the steepest hill.
And the only fiercesome sound you'll hear
Is the ringing of the till.
Where the dog goes... (pause)
And the bear goes... (pause)
And the cow goes... (pause)
And the pig goes... (pause)
And the crow goes... KWAH!
I guess it's still alive.
You can see all this
At the Mounted Animal Nature Trail.(Dance)
The only things that bite are the bugs.(ow!)
Unlike any themepark the mice won't say hello.
And if your having problems with your own family pet.
You can bring him in and add him to the trail.
"Everybody!"
Where the dog goes... (pause)
And the cow goes... (pause)
And the bear goes... (pause)
And the pig goes... (pause)
And the crow goes...
"Don't cry for me argentina, the truth is I never left you"
Where's its metal bra.
You can see all this
At the Mounted Animal Nature Trail.(Dance)

CARROT JUICE IS MURDER
Listen up brothers and sisters come hear my desperate tale
I speak of our friends of nature trapped in the dirt like a jail
Vegetables live in oppression, served on our tables each night
This killing of veggies is madness, I say we take up the fight
Salads are only for murderers, coleslaw's a fascist regime
Don't think that they don't have feelings, just cause a radish can't scream
Chorus:
I've heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled (having their insides revealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy (burning off calories)
How do you think that feels (bet it hurts really bad)
Carrot juice constitutes murder (and that's a real crime)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves (let my vegetables go)
It's time to stop all this gardening (it's dirty as hell)
Let's call a spade a spade (is a spade is a spade is a spade)
I saw a man eating celery, so I beat him black and blue
If he ever touches a sprout again, I'll bite him clean in two
I'm a political prisoner, trapped in a windowless cage
Cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips by killing five men in
a rage
I told the judge when he sentenced me, This is my finest
hour,
I'd kill those farmers again just to save one more cauliflower
Chorus
How low as people do we dare to stoop,
Making young broccolis bleed in the soup?
Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes
Let potted plants free, don't mash that potato!
Spare the spuds! Eat a cow instead!
I've heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled (fates in the stir-fry are sealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy (you fat gourmet slob)
How do you think that feels? (leave them out in the field)
Carrot juice constitutes murder (V8's genocide)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves(yes, your composts are graves)
It's time to stop all this gardening (take up macrame)
Let's call a spade a spade
(is a spade, is a spade, is a spade, is a spade......)

THE LAST SASKATCHEWAN PIRATE
I used to be a farmer, and I made a living fine,
I had a little stretch of land along the city line
But time went by and though I tried, the money wasn't there
And bankers came and took my land and told me "fair is fair"
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no
"Hire you now?" they'd always laugh, "we just let twenty go!"
The government, the promised me a measly little sum
But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum.
Then I thought, who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone?
I'm gonna be a PIRATE on the river Saskatchewan!!!
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin' down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
Well, you'd think the local farmers would know that I'm at
large
But just the other day I found an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser,
I rammed their ship and sank it and I stole their fertilizer!
A bridge outside of Moosejaw spans a mighty river
Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are a'quiver
Cause they know that TRACTOR JACK is hiding in the bay
I'll jump the bridge and knock them cold and sail off with their hay!
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin' down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
Well, Mountie Bob he chased me, he was always at my throat
He'd follow on the shoreline cause he didn't own a boat
But cutbacks were a'coming and the Mountie lost his job
And now he's sailing with us, and we call him Salty Bob!
A swingin' sword, a skull and bones and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax and screw the GST (SCREW IT!!)
Prince Albert down to Saskatoon, the terror of the seas
If you wanna reach the co-op, boy, you gotta get by me!
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin' down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
(*spoken* Arrrr! Ya salty dog!)
(*spoken* Arrrr! Ya salty gopher!)
(*spoken* Arr.. ya.. salty bail of hay!)
Well, Pirate life's appealing but you just don't find it here,
I've heard that in Alberta there's a band of buccaneers
They roam the Athabaska from Smith to Fort McKay
And you're gonna loose your stetson if you have to pass their
way!
Well, winter is a'comin' and a chill is in the breeze
My Pirate days are over once the river starts to freeze
I'll be back in springtime but now I have to go
I hear there's lots of plundering down in New Mexico!
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin' down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin' down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores...

  

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