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Total Arrogance - The Arrogant Worms
Russell's Shorts
TOKYO LOVE SONG
We had a love that was so bright
I used to dream of her each night
And rush to her side every morning (whoooo!)
I had her all to myself
We never noticed anyone else
We didn't even hear the radio warning
Our love was no joke you know
It was the talk of downtown Tokyo
We'll be happy forever, I promised her
But just as I proposed
Her feet were made to touch her nose..
As she was crushed by a Japanese monster! (ahhh.. ahhh.. ahhh.. ahhhh!! Godzilla!!)
Our love was so true
But now she's three-foot-two
And she used to be five-foot-eleven
Her death was unintentional
But now she's two-dimensional
My angel is truly in heaven.
She's the one I'd kiss and hug
Till she was crushed like a bug
I guess it's hard to
See a monster above you.
She said she'd save her heart for me
But now it's there for all to see
And her last words to me
Were i.....arghhh!
Our love was so true
But now she's three-foot-two
And she used to be five-foot-eleven
Her death was unintentional
But now she's two-dimensional
My angel is truly in heaven.
Take it, George!
She was young (so young)
And sweet (so sweet)
But now she's part (she's part)
Of the street (the street)
I want (so much)
To have her back (come back)
So I'll get a putty knife so I can scrape her from the crack.
Ewww.. you might need a wire brush.
Our love was so true
But now she's three-foot-two
And she used to be five-foot-eleven
Her death was unintentional
But now she's two-dimensional
My angel is truly in heaven.
My angel is truly in heaven.
My angel is truly in heaven!

CARROT JUICE IS MURDER
Listen up brothers and sisters, come here my desperate tale
I speak of our friends of nature, trapped in the dirt like a jail
Vegtables live in oppression, served on out tables each night
This killing of veggies is madness, I say we take up the fight
Salads are only for murderers, cole slaw's a fascist regime
Don't think that they don't have feelings, just cause a radish can't scream
I've heard the screams of the vegetables, watching their skins being peeled
Grated and steamed with no mercy.. how do you think that feels?
Carrot juice constitutes murder.. greenhouses prisons for slaves
It's time to stop all this gardening.. let's call a spade a spade.
I saw a man eating celery, so I beat him black and blue
If he ever touches a sprout again, I'll bite him clean in two
I'm a political prisoner, trapped in a windowless cage
'cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips, by killing five men in a rage
I told the judge when he sentenced me, this is my finest hour..
I'd kill those farmers again, just to save one more cauliflower
I've heard the screams of the vegetables, watching their skins being peeled
Grated and steamed with no mercy.. how do you think that feels?
Carrot juice constitutes murder.. greenhouses prisons for slaves
It's time to stop all this gardening.. let's call a spade a spade.
How low as people do we dare to stoop
Making our broccolis bleed in the soup
Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes
Let potted plants free, don't mash that potato!
I've heard the screams of the vegetables, watching their skins being peeled
Grated and steamed with no mercy.. how do you think that feels?
Carrot juice constitutes murder.. greenhouses prisons for slaves
It's time to stop all this gardening.. let's call a spade a spade.
Is a spade is a spade is a spade is a... spade

RIPPY THE GATOR
Hi kids! Welcome to the Uncle Bobo Show! are you ready to sing? Come on, let's go!
Billy and his family
Went on a holiday
They went down to Florida
To laugh and dance and play
Bill went in for a swim
He didn't see the harm
But when he came back out again
He was short an arm!
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Billy and his father
Went out to play some catch
But Billy missed the pass
Because his arm was unattached
The ball flew past his shoulder
And it rolled into the swamp
When he went wading after it
His leg became a stump!
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Billy and his father
Joined a three-legged race
They were tearing up the field
No one could keep the pace
But Billy tripped and did a flip
And landed in the muck
He was running out of limbs
And also out of luck!
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Billy was all dirty
He really had to wash
But he couldn't use a towel
'cause his limbs had been gnawed off.
He went into the water
To get all clean and bright
But when he was finished
He was only half his height.
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Billy's father rolled his wheelchair
Up upon a hill
He wanted to take Bill
Where he would not get killed
But he left him on a slope
And into a swamp he rolled
They dragged out his head
But there was nothing down below!
'cause Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp
(down in the swamp..)

KILLER ROBOTS FROM VENUS
About six months ago someone came by with a petition
Said we want to stop these folks moving in next door.
I refused to sign it, told them everyone was welcome
'cause that's what neighbourhoods are for
So they moved in and I'll admit they looked peculiar
They invited me to friendly barbecue
Glad I got to know 'em, and let me tell you something
They may be metallic but they're just like me and you
No, there's nothing wrong with killer robots from Venus
They gave me zuchinni from their garden yesterday (they're very fresh)
No, there's nothing wrong with killer robots from Venus
You may disagree but I think they're a-ok
My buddy Charlie never got off the robots' backs
Then one day him and his whole house disappeared
I talked about it to my neighbours, the killer robots from Venus
They couldn't help me but agreed that it was weird
No, there's nothing wrong with killer robots from venus
They always mow their lawn and they joined the PTA (because we care)
No, theres nothing wrong with killer robots from Venus
You may disagree but I think theyre a-ok
They had us over for an outdoor New Year's party
Although it was ten below there was food and drink a-plenty
They got excited as we counted down with them
And when we kissed them our lips stuck to their heads (ouch!)
I was watching the news last night and I saw something funny
Killer robots from somewhere decimated Montreal
I wondered, could it be my neighbours, the killer robots from Venus?
Could it be them after all?
Oh, no. they're so nice.
Yeah.
No, there's nothing wrong with killer robots from Venus
They applauded for my kid at the christmas play (he was the best shepard)
No, there's nothing wrong with killer robots from Venus
You may disagree but I think they're a-ok
You may disagree but I think they're a-ok
You may disagree but I think they're a-ok
We're ok!

HAVING FUN IS BAD FOR YOU
I used to go to all the parties
And make love to all the beautiful ladies
And I'd eat cheeseburgers with with bacon and extra grease when I was hungry
And drink windex coladas until my skin turned blue
But now, the times they are changing
My lifestyle, it is rearranging
For debauchery may be fun and entertaining
But it is also very bad for you
Do you know how many diseases you can get
Making love to someone who has not had all their tests
So nowadays I am celebate
And I wear a condom in case I have dirty thoughts
I never drive my car past the speed limit
And I alway wear my seatbelt when I am in it
I traded my lambourghini for a honda civic
Because it is more fuel efficient and practical
Ay-ay-ay, ay-ay-oh
Being boring is the way to go
Ay-ay-ay, ay-ay-oh
Having fun is bad for you
I can no longer smoke my cigarettes
Because I found that they are a major cause of death
The tar and nicotine have not killed me yet
But if I got pregnant, it could hurt my baby
I used to love my swarthy complexion
I tanned myself to perfection
But the sun can give you a cancerous infection
So now I am white and pasty and I never leave the house
I used to eat like there was no tomorrow
But then I found cholesteral is full of sorrow
The last thing I want to do is to have to borrow
Somebody else's heart because mine is full of fatty deposits
Ay-ay-ay, ay-ay-oh
Being boring is the way to go
Ay-ay-ay, ay-ay-oh
Having fun is bad for you
Having fun is bad for you

THE FISHING SONG
It's early in the morning, way before dawn
I down a cup of coffee, put my lucky hat on
Get down to the water before all the crowds
Gonna have more fun than the law allows
With my hot rod, I go out to cruise
When I'm on the prowl, I never lose
I fire up my merc and put the throttle down
'cause I've got the fastest fishing boat in town
I open up my tackle box, it's so big!
Crank baits, sink baits, beer and jigs
Got my bobbers on, and my 10 pound test
Gonna catch me a lunker gonna be the best
(gonna go fishing) gonna have some fun
(gonna go fishing) 'cause it's number one
(gonna go fishing) gonna sit on my butt
(gonna catch a fish) and scrape out it's guts
Ahhh, fishing!
I fish on the lake, by the sunken tree stump
Between the sewage output, and the chemical dump
Don't swim in the lake, says a sign on a tree
It's a good thing that fish can't read
I got my 10 dollar lure, the one that floats
And I make a big cast from my 20 grand boat
With my thousand dollar rod, or maybe it's more
Gonna catch me a fish that's 5 bucks at the store
(gonna go fishing) gonna have some fun
(gonna go fishing) 'cause it's number one
(gonna go fishing) gonna sit on my butt
(gonna catch a fish) and scrape out it's guts
Ahhh, fishing!
I feel something tugging on the end of my line
(tug, tug, tug, tug, tug that line)
I'm gonna catch a fish, it's gonna be so fine
(fish, fish, fish, fish, fish so fine)
Oh it feels so good to touch fish slime
(slime, slime, slime, slime, fishy slime)
There's nothing else to do with my free time
(time, time, time, time, waste of time)
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh, ahhh, ahhhhhhh
Let's catch a fishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfish
Eat a fishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfish
Swallow a fishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfish
Digest a fishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfish
Out comes the fishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfish
It was a fishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfish
(gonna go fishing) gonna have some fun
(gonna go fishing) 'cause it's number one
(gonna go fishing) gonna sit on my butt
(gonna catch a fish) and scrape out it's guts
Ahhh
(gonna go fishing) gonna have some fun
(gonna go fishing) 'cause it's number one
(gonna go fishing) gonna sit on my butt
(gonna catch a fish) and scrape out it's guts
Ahhh, fish-fish-fishing c-a-n-a-d-a!

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S IN MY CAT
I never much believed in reincarnation
Thought it was only people’s imagination
But now I'm forced into some reconsideration
'cause something's happened to my cat
That deserves some explanation
William Shakespeare's in my cat
My kitty is the bard
He used to be a playwright
Now he's digging up the yard
He's still a cat in most respects
He likes to meow and purr
But now I introduce him as the cat
That wrote Richard the Third
I took him to see Phantom
He said it was quite nice
But he can't go see Miss Saigon
Until he kills some mice
(until he kills some mice)
William Shakespeare's in my cat
It sometimes seems so deep
The guy who wrote twelfth night
Chews on my socks while I'm asleep
I'm really quite impressed
I own the cat who wrote Macbeth
But if something's rotten in this state
It's just his fishy breath
'cause he wrote Romeo and Juliet
But his greatest story yet
Is coming back as someone's pet
And gettin' neutered by the vet
He got his paws caught in a net
Then he said to be or not to meeeow!
William Shakespeare's in my cat
He rarely ever talks
He makes his loudest statements
Standing in the litter box
He sleeps on all my shelves
And throws my books about the house
It doesn't sound like prose
When he bats his squeaky mouse
Sam Beckett's plays are witty,
Same thing for Bernard Shaw,
Oscar Wilde is pretty,
But none of them have paws
(none of them have paws)
William Shakespeare's in my cat
He chases bits of fluff
John Milton's in my goldfish
But I never liked his stuff
I'm thinking that Franz Kafka
Really came back as a bug
And I hope andrew lloyd webber
Will stay underneath my rug
'cause he wrote Romeo and Juliet
But his greatest story yet
Is coming back as someone's pet
And gettin' neutered by the vet
He got his paws caught in a net
Then he said to be or not to meeeow!
Take it, Trevor!
(Trevor's solo)
He wrote Romeo and Juliet
But his greatest story yet
Is coming back as someone's pet
And gettin' neutered by the vet
He got his paws caught in a net
Then he said to be or not to meeeow!

A NIGHT IN DILDO
Umm, so this is a song about Newfoundland and we wrote it about the place names and all you have to know is that all the place names in this song are real place names that we found in an atlas,
We can read!
Yeah, we can read!
Yeah, literacy!
Oh Newfoundland, oh Newfoundland, ya island in the sea
I love you oh so very much, I joined the ministry
To show you people 'round the rock when tourist season's here
Although in my opinion it's a gem throughout the year
Well if you're one for swimming, don't think it's outta reach
You can go and take a dip along groswater beach
I know the name's misleading, that's quite a problem here
Instead let's go to goobies and have ourselves a beer
From Woody's Point to Come-by-chance to good ol' Ferryland
Come take a look at Gander, Blackhead's mighty grand
Don't let the names deceive you, Newfoundland's mighty fine
So spend a night in Dildo if you think you've got the time
Well you can go to Blow-me-down before it get's to dark (gasp)
Oh sorry ma'am, I should have said, that's our provincial park
There's also Whippet Harbour, or maybe Butter Pot
Or maybe I'll just hit the pub I'm feeling like a shot
Well you can sail on Quidi Vidi, or look at Joe Batt's Arm
There's Placentia and there's Cow Head (mooo!), they're so full of charm
Get married down in Kkilbride, have a party in Hate Bay
Or have some screech in Fogo and forget about the day
From Woody's Point to Come-by-chance to good ol' Ferryland
Come take a look at Gander, Blackhead's mighty grand
Don't let the names deceive you, Newfoundlands mighty fine
So spend a night in Dildo if you think you've got the time
Okay, the drinkin' verse
*sing drunkenly here*
From Woody's Point to Come-by-chance to good ol' Ferryland
Come take a look at Gander, Blackhead's mighty grand
Don't let the names deceive you, Newfoundland's mighty fine
So spend a night in Dildo if you think you've got the time
So spend a night in Dildo if you think you've got the time
So spend a night in Dildo if you think you've got the time
Cod!

THE LAST SENSITIVE COWBOY
When you hear that I'm a cowboy and I work the cattle trail
You probably assume I'm big and tough (big and tough)
But the trail's worn me down, I don't wanna hang around
I've just about had enough (had enough)
You see, I like a cup of espresso
And I like to read my people magazine
I coordinate my chaps but everybody laughs
And say they don't like that shade of green
Oh no, it's true
I'm a sensitive cowboy and I don't know what to do
Oh no, it's kinda strange
I'm the last sensitive cowboy on the range
Well I try to eat a healthy balanced diet
But they all eat their brown beans from the can
They all have to smoke about six packs a day
You'd think they was the Marlboro man (*gasp* smooth *cough*)
And they don't like to go to see the opera
On friday nights when they get paid
And they don't help me bring in the hanging plants
Every time there's a Native American raid
Oh no, it's true
I'm a sensitive cowboy and I don't know what to do
Oh no, it's kinda strange
I'm the last sensitive cowboy on the range
Cowboy life sure is different these days. why brand yer cattle when you can just use bovine psychology? why have a gunfight when there are so many good paralegals out there? nobody drinks and bu
Cks any more. besides, we're all switchin' over to eatin' salt-reduced tofu jerky. and if yer gonna ride off into the sunset, make sure yer usin' an effective sunblock.
Oh no, it's true
I'm a sensitive cowboy and I don't know what to do
Oh no, it's kinda strange
I'm the last sensitive cowboy on...
Oh no, it's true
I'm a sensitive cowboy and I don't know what to do
Oh no, it's kinda strange
I'm the last sensitive cowboy on the range

LOSING HAIR UNDER GOD
The lord above,
Sent his only son
To spread the word of god
To everyone.
Jesus cured the lepers
And he healed the lame
But he left the bald men
With their pain...
Oh mighty lord
I've lost what I had
I've suffered the fate
Of my old dad.
I've looked in the hills
The valleys everywhere
But I cannot see
Why you took my hair.
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
What was on my head (above us all)
Is no longer there
When you see the light (ooooh)
It's my forehead's glare
Oh don't you care (hey you up there!)
That I'm losing my hair? (yeah, yeah)
I try to pray
And I try to grieve
I've tried the wig
And I've tried the weave.
I've tried the transplant
And I've tried the graft
But my hair
Is thinning fast.
Oh mighty lord
Why'd you take my hair?
Are you making a carpet
For heaven's stairs?
To warm the feet
Of the chosen souls?
But in the meantime
My head's getting cold.
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
What was on my head (above us all)
Is no longer there
When you see the light (ooooh)
It's my forehead's glare
Oh don't you care (hey you up there!)
That I'm losing my hair? (yeah, yeah)
We are your children
And we are blessed
But most of my hair
Is now on my chest.
In your own wisdom
You took it off my head
Why couldn't you just
Strike me blind instead?
Oh lord above
On judgement day
Will you forgive me
For my toupee?
And when I march
Through the gates of pearl
Can I have hair
In your afterworld?
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
What was on my head (above us all)
Is no longer there
When you see the light (ooooh)
It's my forehead's glare
Oh don't you care (hey you up there!)
That I'm losing my hair? (yeah, yeah)
Yeah! I'm losing my hair, I'm losing my hair. but I know a lot of people out there losing their hair too. and I know, every night you pray to god, don'tcha? (yeah.) yeah you do, don&'tcha? you pray every night to God to give you more hair. you wake up the next morning, you go in that shower, you look in that drain! and there's your hair. it ain't on your head no more.
But, you know, maybe your call's just not getting through. god's a busy man, and, and a lot of people try to get him on the intergalactic telephone. but, but maybe, maybe if we all pray together
Maybe we can get god's phone to ring (ring)! thank ya, so give me an amen! (amen.) amen! (amen.) come on, amen! (amen.) amen!
Oh yeah! the phone is ringing! the phone is ringing! god's picking it up, I think we might have woken him up, he might be a little bit grumpy. but it doesn't matter ? cause we're going to tell him
What we want, aren&'t we? (yeah.) aren't we? (yeah.)
I need help for my scalp. (help for my scalp!)
Oh give me help for my scalp! (help for my scalp!)
Oh yeah! I feel the power, the power of the lord! it's in me! it's all around me! this man - this man has split ends on the end of his head! let those split ends be healed!
(Miracle. Follicle.
Miracle. Follicle.)
Oh mighty lord
Up on your throne
I gotta know
Do you use a comb?
Is your hair wavy?
Is your hair blond?
Is it curly?
Or is it gone?
Is to be bald
To be the man?
'cause all the monks
Have heads that shine.
If that's your way
Then I don't care.
I'd sell my soul
To get more hair!
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
What was on my head (above us all)
Is no longer there
When you see the light (ooooh)
It's my forehead&'s glare
Oh don't you care (hey you up there!)
That I'm losing my hair? (yeah, yeah)
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
I'm losing my hair (losing my hair)
What was on my head (above us all)
Is no longer there
When you see the light (ooooh)
It's my forehead's glare
Oh don't you care (hey you up there!)
That I'm losing my hair? (yeah, yeah)
Oh don't you care?
Oh don't you care
That I'm losing my hair?

BIG FAT ROAD MANAGER
Every rock band has this guy
Not many people really know why
He's got a cell phone and a backstage pass
He's got a big gut and a big fat ass
He's the big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
He plugs in guitars and microphone jacks (big, fat road manager)
He makes sure the system won't feedback (big, fat road manager)
He yells check one 'til his face turns blue (big, fat road manager)
Don't you wish he could count to two
He's the big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
The contract says there's beer for free (big, fat road manager)
A bottle for you and a case for me (big, fat road manager)
I'll make sure you've a place to stay (big, fat road manager)
Then I'll eat your deli tray
He's the big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
You may wonder why the road manager's so wide
He's the one who blocks the door when the tax colllector comes by
The tour hits the road he spends his day (big, fat road manager)
At an all-you-can-eat buffet (big, fat road manager)
But if he can come to terms (big, fat road manager)
He will manage the arrogant worms
As our big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
He's fat! (big, fat road manager)
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Big, fat road manager
Is this thing on?

  

I like toast