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Total Arrogance - The Arrogant Worms
The Arrogant Worms

THE LAST SASKATCHEWAN PIRATE
I used to be a farmer, and I made a living fine,
I had a little stretch of land along the city line
But time went by and though I tried, the money wasn't there
And bankers came and took my land and told me fair is fair
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no
Hire you now? they'd always laugh, we just let twenty go!
The government, the promised me a measly little sum
But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum.
Then I thought, who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone?
I'm gonna be a pirate on the river Saskatchewan!!!
(arrr! arrr! arrr! arrr! arrr!!)
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin'; down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
Well, you'd think the local farmers would know that I'm at large
But just the other day I found an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser,
I rammed their ship and sank it and I stole their fertilizer!
A bridge outside of Moosejaw spans a mighty river
Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are a-quiver
Cause they know that Tractor Jack is hiding in the bay
I'll jump the bridge and knock them cold and sail off with their hay!
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin'; down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
Well, Mountie Bob he chased me, he was always at my throat
He'd follow on the shoreline cause he didn't own a boat
But cutbacks were a-coming and the mountie lost his job
And now he's sailing with us, and we call him Salty Bob!
A swingin' sword, a skull and bones and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax and screw the GST (screw it!!)
Prince Albert down to Saskatoon I'm the terror of the seas
If you wanna reach the co-op, boy, you gotta get by me!
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin'; down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
Arrrr, Metis! get it? matey? (hey, that's Riel-ly funny! you know, Louis Riel? )
Well, pirate life's appealing but you just don't find it here,
I've heard that in Alberta there's a band of buccaneers
They roam the Athabaska from Smith to Fort Mckay
And you're gonna loose your stetson if you have to pass their way!
Well, winter is a-comin' and a chill is in the breeze
My pirate days are over once the river starts to freeze
I'll be back in springtime but now I have to go
I hear there's lots of plundering down in New Mexico!
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin' down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
Cause it's a heave-ho, hi-ho, comin' down the plains
Stealin' wheat and barley and all the other grains
It's a ho-hey, hi-hey farmers bar yer doors
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
When ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores

THE CREDIT SONG
Best things in life are not free
But you don't need to have money
To get the things that you want to own
You just have to get a loan
When you buy, small or large
Just put it on your credit card
You can live like a king
Not paying for a single thing
Put it on credit and then forget it
Don't let it bother you no more, no more
Put it on credit and then forget it
And go back to the store
Every night I pray and thank
God above for creating the banks
They have been so kind to me
With their bounless generosity
If you cannot make your payments
Well, do like the national governments
And you can pay off what you owe
By taking out a bigger loan
You gotta put it on credit and then forget it
Don't let it bother you no more, no more
Put it on credit and then forget it
And go back to the store
Now I seem to have men after me
From the collection agency
And the bank came by the other day
Took everything I own away
Now I think that it is plain to see
That I must declare bankruptcy
But things aren't really all that bad
I can borrow from my dad
And put it on credit and then forget it
Don't let it bother you no more, no more
Put it on credit and then forget it
And go back to the store
You gotta put it on credit and then forget it
Don't let it bother you no more, no more
Put it on credit and then forget it
And go back to the store

LET'S GO BOWLING
Well grab your shoes, and grab your balls
And lets head to those heavenly halls
Sit on down and grab a beer
Because bowling time is pretty near
Tortured men forget their pain
When they head to the bowling lane
Let's go bowling
Let's go bowling, got a coupon
Let's go bowling, for a free game
Let's go bowling
Let's go bowling, let's go bowling
Let's do it now
Because wrestlemania's fine by me
Monster trucks are a sight to see
A culture like that's nice and all
But there ain't nothing better than a bowling ball
You know the sport that God would choose
Is the one with the three-tone leather-sole shoes
Let's go bowling
Let's go bowling, got a coupon
Let's go bowling, from a juice can
Let's go bowling
Let's go bowling, let's go bowling
Let's do it now
Yes bowling! the sport of kings! the sport of queens!
The sport of dukes... earls... moes... johns... anything that
Looks good when it's embroidered on a polyester shirt.
And you know, bowling takes on this almost religious
Significance because it's so much like a religion.
I mean the ball is round, like the earth, and it's got
The Holy Trinity: the Father, the Son, and the...
Thumbhole. and as you roll the ball down the alley of
Life, striking out the Pagan religions of the past, sparing them the
Anguish of their lives in the gutter, framing their existence in an
Eternal metaphysicalness something like the 7-10 split!
We'll be bowling in Moosejaw (yeah, yeah)
We'll be bowling in Hickton (yeah, yeah)
We'll be bowling in Gander (yeah, yeah)
And in the Kingston township (yeah, yeah)
We'll be bowling Vancouver, bowling Saskatoon
Someday they'll even be bowling on the moon
I said yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Let's go bowling
Let's go bowling, got a coupon
Let's go bowling, for free shoes
Let's go bowling
Let's go bowling, let's go bowling
Let's do it now

GOIN' HUNTIN'
Well me an’ my buddies we got us some beer
And a great big bottle of rye
And boxes of ammo and guns to go with 'em
And good old Charlie's glass eye
Well we looked all around so we sees all of nature
So calm and so serene
But not for long 'cause we're gonna use guns
To make furry animals scream
'cause we're goin' huntin'
We're gonna kill somethin'
I don't care what it is
Maybe a raccoon, maybe a gopher,
Maybe the neighbour's kids!
We're goin' huntin'
We're gonna kill somethin'
I don't care what it is
Maybe a raccoon, maybe a gopher,
Maybe the neighbour's kids!
Well off we go, our guns are loaded
And so's are we
We weaves through the bushes and falls on our faces
And piss on the nice trees
And then we spot something moving an' a rustle
We pump it full of lead
And smile real wide as we hear it scream
And thud as it falls down dead
'cause we're goin' huntin'
We're gonna kill somethin'
I don't care what it is
Maybe a raccoon, maybe a gopher,
Maybe the neighbour's kids!
We're goin' huntin'
We're gonna kill somethin'
I don't care what it is
Maybe a raccoon, maybe a gopher,
Maybe the neighbour's kids!
Well off we go to see what we killed
And watch the damn thing bleed
The first thing we see is a bright orange cap
And we shot down ol' Charlie
But he don't to mind, he smiled all the time
He died real happy
But next time he should tell us
When he's goin' off to take a pee
'cause we're goin' huntin'
We're gonna kill somethin'
I don't care what it is
Maybe a raccoon, maybe a gopher,
Maybe the neighbour's kids!
We're goin' huntin'
We're gonna kill somethin'
I don't care what it is
Maybe a raccoon, maybe a gopher,
Maybe the neighbour's kids!
Well the sun goes down and we head back to town
And we hop in our pickup truck
Strap Charlie to the hood, start up the engine
Drive it home with any luck
Well what do you know, we run into a pole
But we're all still in one piece
And we get a free ride back into town
Courtesy of the police.
'cause we're goin' huntin'
We're gonna kill somethin'
I don't care what it is
Maybe a raccoon, maybe a gopher,
Maybe the neighbour's kids!
We're goin' huntin'
We're gonna kill somethin'
I don't care what it is
Maybe a raccoon, maybe a gopher,
Maybe the neighbour's kids!

DON'T GO INTO POLITICS
George Washington was the president
But now he's dead (dead)
Mackenzie King was prime minister
But now he's dead (dead)
So don't go into politics
You'll end up dead
Don't go into politics
You'll end up dead
Oppenheimer built the bomb
But now he's dead (dead)
Einstien was very very smart
But not enough not to be dead (dead)
So don't go into science
You'll end up dead
Don't go into science
You'll end up dead
And don't go into politics
You'll end up dead
Don't go into politics
You'll end up dead
Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Brian Jones, Keith Moon,
Jim Morrison, Roy Orbison,
John Lennon, Bob Marley, Leonard Bernstien, Elvis Presley
Well, we're not too sure about Elvis
But I think you get the point
Don't go into music
You'll end up dead
Don't go into music
You'll end up dead
And don't go into science
You'll end up dead
Don't go into politics
You'll end up dead
Break it down
You'll be burned, you'll be fried
You'll be buried alive
And there's no hope thinkin'
That you're gonna survive
'cause there's the drowning and choking
And cancer from smoking
And smothered while sleeping
And blood will start seeping
So I have found, you'll end up in the ground
And you'll be dead
So I have found, you'll end up in the ground
I wish there was an option instead
But you'll be dead
Dead
Maybe with a bullet in your head
But you'll be dead
Dead
Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dead

NO SALE/NO STORE
This week!
This week only!
No money down!
No payments till spring!
No payments in spring!
No payments in summer!
No payments ever!
When?
This week!
This week only!
We pay the GST!
We pay the PST!
We pay for delivery!
We pay for everything!
How do we do it?
How do we offer these fabulous deals?
Volume!
We've got the most!
The best!
The worst!
We've got it all!
We';ve got everything!
Except one thing!
What's that?
We've got... no store!
No products!
So come on down!
This week!
This week only!
No parking problems!
No parking payments!
No parking lot!
You don't have to park!
You don't even have to come!
So don't come down!
Stay away!
This week!
Every week!
Every year!
No money down!
No payment ever!
That's nothing for nothing!

THE CANADIAN CRISIS SONG
Often on the weekend I'll jump in my car
I won't fill up the tank although I'm going far
And if somebody asks me if I'm going to a bar
I'll say I'm shopping 'cross the border in the USA
I don't go down there to buy my groceries
I respect our farmers and our factories
I don't believe that local means it's poor in quality
It's just our goddamn prices are too high
(if he stays away for just two days)
I'll get one hundred dollars duty-free
If it adds to more I won't claim it for
(he won't declare the products if they're in his trunk)
Although it is Canada that I call home
I don't cheer for the Yankees when I'm in the dome
I didn't swell with pride during the desert storm
It's just that I don't want to pay the tax
(it's just that he's too cheap to pay the tax)
(yes, it's just like this, he's a loyalist)
I'll only shop at malls that fly our flag
(and he'll tell Bob Rae that he just won't pay)
Unless I need my unemployment benefits
(get a job, get a job, get a job)
Now everyone is doing the same thing as me
They're doing what they can to beat the gst
They're lining up for miles at the duty-free
So I bought a Jc Penny's store in Buffalo
(so everybody come on down to Buffalo)
(cause if you stay away for just two days)
You'll get one hundred dollars duty-free
Though it's not at par it'll still go far
And it ends up in the pockets of a country man
(it ends up in the pockets of a country man)
Oh, Canada.

THE BALLAD OF DAN
I'm out on the range, surveying the land
Thinking of the job that's to be done
My life is hard but I don't mind
Men like me, that's how the west was won
I stand the pain and the suffering
For on the trail I am the king
On doors I knock and on bells I ring
Always sure that I will get the sale
'cause I am Dan the insurance salesman
In a beat-up Chevrolet I do ride
I rope them in and tie them up and bind them legally
And on the dotted line I make them sign
Hi-de-hey (hi-de-hey, hi-de-hey, hi-de-hey) hey!
The door swings wide and I sense my prey
Ready to fall victim to my pitch
I tell him all about the plan
With all of it's inherent benefits
If you lose an arm it's a thousand bucks
Lose both of them and get twice as much
And if you should die, well then, bless your luck
You'll just be raking in the cash
'cause I am Dan the insurance salesman
In a beat-up Chevrolet I do ride
I rope them in and tie them up and bind them legally
And on the dotted line I make them sign
Hi-de-hey (hi-de-hey, hi-de-hey, hi-de-hey) hey!
The sucker signs, the deed is done
It's time for me to get back on the road
A lonely man out on the land
Where the wind can blow so cold
I ride into the setting sun
With the knowledge of a job well done
But I can't rest until everyone
Has become properly insured
'cause I am Dan the insurance salesman
In a beat-up Chevrolet I do ride
I rope them in and tie them up and bind them legally
And on the dotted line I make them sign
Hi-de-hey (hi-de-hey, hi-de-hey, hi-de-hey) hey!
Yes, I am Dan the insurance salesman
In a beat-up Chevrolet I do ride
I rope them in and tie them up and bind them legally
For on the dotted line I make them sign

CAR FULL OF PAIN
I bought me an auto, an '81 Ford Escort Wagon
Now the fan it be broke and the tail-pipe it be draggin'
I feel like a schlemiel, my mechanic's fit for hangin'
I got to go to rust check , 'bout the price I'll be hagglin'
I can't drive it home because the muffler it be saggin'
Got a car full of pain
Satan's is my engine, Beelzebub's in my trunk
Mephistopheles' at the wheel because I'm too gosh darn drunk
Baal's my passenger and Lucifer's beside him
I got demons in the coolant, I got bats in the transmission
This escort needs an exorcism, pan is to blame
Got a car full of pain
I put a tiger in my tank, I let a champ spark my gas
Now I got's a demon in the hood, a pain in the ass
I think the seats are broken (oh, no)
Okay take it!
Blind lemon trevor!
[insert trevor's cool harmonica solo here]
YEAH MAKE IT HURT!
[cont. solo]
STOP!
[cont. solo]
STOP! It didn't have to hurt that much...
Please, please mister, take your blessed wrench
Cast out this demon horde and replace the brimstone stench
With the smell of gasoline, a heavenly muffled roar
I'll worship you oh speedy man, mister goodwrench even more
Let it run, let it run, let it run, oh god, let it run
And now it purrs just like a kitten, it roars just like a lion (roar!? what? )
I purrs just like a temple golden carved by the Mayans
Here comes the mechanic, oh no, how much?
Four hundred bucks, you piece of slime, you smell and you suck
Your father was a jackal, your mom's his sister's bitch
I got a car full of pain
I got a car full of pain
I got a car full of pain
Car full of pain
I got a car full of pain
I got a car full of pain
Car full of pain
Car full of, car full of, car full of pain

I WANT TO LOOK LIKE ARNOLD
I spend my days watching tv with a beer (oooh-aah, you're fat)
It seems to cause my ample belly to appear (oooh-ahh, you're fat)
Then one day my woman went and left me (did not want to sleep with a whale)
She said she found someone more manly (a body that could not fail)
So I went and I looked into the mirror (you looked like a big tub of goo)
And I dreamed of being big and strong (dreaming was the best you could do)
I thought to myself, what would I ask for? (if someone gave you a wish)
I think I'd like to look like my idol (that great big manly dish)
I want to look like Arnold Schwartzenegger
I don't want to big fat and big (oh no, oh no)
I want to look like Arnold Schwartzenegger
I want a manly physique
I put down the cheetos and went and went on a crash diet (carrots were all you ate)
Then I found my skin was turning orange (you're just a big mistake)
Then I overdosed on diet pills (too bad you did not die)
Still I want to look like my hero (that great big beefy guy)
I want to look like Arnold Schwartzeneggar
I don't want to big fat and big (oh no, oh no)
I want to look like Arnold Schwartzeneggar
I want a manly physique
So I got a weight set and some steroids (to make you big and strong)
And I worked out really really hard (but it did not last for long)
I put out my back and the steroids made me sterile (not like it mattered anyway)
And as for looking like my idol (he has one thing to say)
I don't want to look like Arnold Schwartzeneggar
I don't mind being fat and big (oh no, oh no)
I don't want to look like Arnold Schwartzeneggar
It's easier being fat and lazy
(you'll never look like Arnold Schwartzeneggar
You'll always be fat and big
Oh yes, oh yes
You'll never look like Arnold Schwartzeneggar
You are fat and ugly.)

JESUS' BROTHER BOB
If you haven't heard of me
I wouldn't be surprised
I bet you know my relatives
Their names will never die
My mother is a saint
And my brother is a God
But all I am is Jesus' brother Bob
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
I have to take the ferry
To cross the Galilee
But not my brother
No not him
He walks across for free
I finally get to work
'bout a quarter after nine
Already he's turning water into wine
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of god
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
One day when I was home
I heard a mighty roar
There were a thousand people
Right outside the door
Help us, Jesus, help us!
Came the cheering from the mob
But then they got a look at me
Oh nuts, it's only Bob
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
He died upon the cross
I thought that I was free
Finally people would get to know
Me for me
(hi Bob, hi!)
This was my big chance
To finally get ahead
The next thing you know
He's rising from the dead
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
Everybody!
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God junior
A-bob

CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS IS HERE
The table's set ant the turkey's out
Christmas is here, let out a shout
The family's gathered all about
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Everyone is wearing big smiles
They all try to act nice for a while
Then George calls his in-laws vile
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Always at one time of the year
When everyone's problems disappear
And everyone smiles from ear to ear
Christmas, Christmas is here!
George has been drinking a lot
He just can't keep out of the sauce
He says his wife's been screwing her boss
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Margaret throws her food in his face
People are hungry, it's really a waste
Then she screams, how does that taste?
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Always at one time of the year
When everyone's problems disappear
And everyone smiles from ear to ear
Christmas, Christmas is here!
George picks up the carving knife
Weilds it around and starts to slice
Henry cocks his shotgun twice
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Henry says, hey, what's the deal?
Just sit down and finish your meal
Or I'll pump you full of steel!
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Always at one time of the year
When everyone's problems disappear
And everyone smiles from ear to ear
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Police arrive just after eight
Responding to a noise complaint
Open the door, what a grisly fate
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Fa la la and deck the halls
Blood was spattered on the walls
Merry Christmas, one and all!
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Always at one time of the year
When everyone's problems disappear
And everyone smiles from ear to ear
Christmas, Christmas is here!
Always at one time of the year
When everyone's problems disappear
And everyone smiles from ear to ear
Christmas, Christmas is here!

  

I like toast