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Total Arrogance - The Arrogant Worms
Christmas Turkey
CHRISTMAS IN IGNACE
It's Christmas in Ignace
Mommy's got a rock
she'll give it to Daddy
It's Christmas in Ignace (It's Christmas in Ignace)
It's Christmas in Ignace
Daddy's got a rock
he'll give it to Mommy
It's Christmas in Ignace (It's Christmas in Ignace)
It's a jolly time (here in Ignace)
As we decorate the Christmas Rock
it's a happy time
and if the children are good they'll get toys to play with
like rocks
It's Christmas in Ignace
Bob's got a rock
but he's gonna keep it
It's Christmas in Ignace (It's Christmas in Ignace)
It's Christmas in Ignace
Jill's got a rock
she gives it to Bob
now he's got two
It's Christmas in Ignace (It's Christmas in Ignace)
It's a jolly time
as we sit and watch Rocky 1,2,3,4,5
It's a happy time
except for Malcolm
his tongue is stuck to the sign that says,
"Welcome to Ignace"
It's Christmas in Ignace
and all through the houses
not a creature is stirring
except for the rats
that live here in Ignace
under the rocks
that are played with by children
and thrown at Malcolm
who's still stuck to the sign that says
"Welcome to Ignace"
It's Christmas in Ignace (It's Christmas in Ignace)

CHRISTMASTIME
It's the festive season
There's singing and shopping and joy
Santa's talking to children
The elves are wrapping toys
The season's one of charity
Of peace for all you've met
But though I should be of giving right now
I just want to get
Chorus:
It's Christmas time and times are tough
It's Christmas time, and we ain't got enough
Hey Mr. Santa Claus
I believe in you because
Last year all my parents got me
was a trip to Mississauga
It's Christmas time, I'm looking for a lot of stuff
My brother wants a computer
Sister wants a dolly
Mom wants a brand new bathtub
and Dad just wants alcohol he
spent last Christmas wasted
crawling on his knees
eating turkey that fell on the floor
and watering our Christmas tree
Chorus:
It's Christmas time and times are tough
It's Christmas time, and we ain't got enough
Hey Mr. Santa Claus
I believe in you because
You've got more credibility than
any Doctor, Cop, or Lawyer
It's Christmas time, I'm looking for a lot of stuff
Mike wants a new guitar
Andy wants to record the Spice Girls
Trevor wants 13 kittens
Chris wants a date with Shania
we compared all our Christmas lists
and only one thing overlapped
We would all be happy if
everyone bought our crap
Chorus:
It's Christmas time and times are tough
It's Christmas time, and we ain't got enough
Hey Mr. Santa Claus
We believe in you because
If we count on our so called friends
our Christmas stockings will be empty
It's Christmas time, we're looking for a lot of stuff

DAD THREW UP ON CHRISTMAS DAY
Dad threw up on Christmas Day
He puked on the serving tray
The stuffing's come right out of Daddy dear
Now everybody's Christmas vacation
Will be filled with a viral infection
Maybe we'll all be better by next year
We felt more than a breeze
When Daddy had to sneeze
It didn't sound a lot like Ah-Choo
Mom was saying grace
When Daddy barked on her face
So Mom asked God to bless the vomit too
Dad threw up on Christmas Day
He got some chunks on Uncle Ray
Who kept on talking about his pancreas
We'll all remember Christmas Eve
As the last time we were free of disease
And able to digest some solid food

SANTA'S COMING AND HE'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause you've always been a rotten little brat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna bite your wreath
They're gonna chew your welcome mat
Swallow your kitty cat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna eat your begonia's
'cause Santa hasn't fed them in a month
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause he's sick of shoveling snow and reindeer poo
Elves are coming and they're gonna steal your turkey
Wreck your TV
Burn down your Christmas tree
Elves are coming and they're gonna trash your home
'cause they ain't got nothing else to do
Santa's loaded with attitude
He's loud and drunk and smelly and rude
His workshop's been closed by an auditor
And Mrs. Claus ran off with her chiropractor.
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
he's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause he's had a really crappy year

VICENT THE CHRISTMAS VIRUS
This year at Christmas, everybody's feeling funny
No one's making joyful sounds
Cranberry sauce ain't staying down
The lineups at the bathroom are longer than at the mall
Everybody's meeting Vincent
the Christmas Virus
Vincent the Christmas Virus
He's the one that'll keep you up all night
He's the festive parasite
Vincent the Christmas Virus
Vincent the Christmas Virus is resistant to penicillin
Doesn't notice Aspirin
Don't matter if you're fit and trim
But Vincent's not immune to the effects of alcohol
So get real drunk on Christmas Day
Let's all toast to Vincent (Hooray!)

CHRISTMAS TURKEY BLUES
Hey kid, why the long face
Is it cuz Santa Clause is flying right over your place
You've been a bad kid all year
So quit you snivellin' sucker and wipe up them tears
You don't deserve a damn thing
You're not even cute and your attitude stinks
It must suck to be you
Nobody likes you so what can you do
You think you got problems kid, you think you got strife
But come each December do you fear for your life
I'm your turkey so your troubles are small
I'm stuffed on your table, I'm a tasty butterball
I've got the christmas turkey blues
If you got your necked ripped out then you'd have them too
I've got the christmas turkey blues
You chase me and waste and baste me and taste me and drown me in gravy too
You sir, you look like heck
Didn't you get your Christmas bonus cheque
Or maybe your woman left you
Ripped your heart right out of your chest and spat on it too
Is that why you're wreaking of gin
You look dishevelled and there's drool on your chin
You thought that this love would laugh
But she said Merry Christmas baby and she booted your ass
Well that's tough for you mister, too bad about your ordeal
How about getting stuffed in the wintertime, see how you feel
I don't get to yank no bones or make me a wish
It won't be long til I'm just some scraps on a dish
I've got the christmas turkey blues
If your butt was stuffed and roasted then you'd have then too
I've got the christmas turkey blues
You chase me and waste and baste me and taste me and drown me in gravy too

CHRISTMAS SUCKS
One year I got a dog for Christmas
and I gave it to the boy next door
Then I gave him my bike and my mom's bank card
cuz that's what Christmas is for
I used to give a lot at Christmas
You might say I gave to much
Until my family was broke and we had no place to live
That's why, Christmas Sucks
I went down to the mall each Christmas
had to the Santa what to bring
A train, a bike, a pony and a great big pile of cash
and please don't get my sister anything
But the shopping mall Santa has been drinking
His nose is red from years of drinking scotch
He probably won't remember what's on my Christmas list
This Father Christmas sucks
Chorus:
Christmas Sucks, Christmas Sucks
Getting stuff is much for fun, you gotta look out for number one
Christmas Sucks
Christmas became worse as years went by
It was the most dreaded time of year
My parents got me clothes that just weren't cool
When all I want is money to buy beer
There was a girl at church who I was sweet on
So in the Christmas play I was the ox
I really think she liked me til I stepped on Baby Jesus
Even for our savious Christmas Sucks
Chorus
Now that I am thirty-wight years old
The only things I get are ties and socks
My kids are never happy with what's under the tree
Soon they'll understand Christmas Sucks
Every freakin' year Christmas Sucks
Christmas Sucks, Christmas Sucks, Christmas Sucks

CHRISTMAS HANGOVER
The holidays are over, you've gained twenty pounds
The cat's choking on tinsel, pine needles stalk the ground
There are no cards in the mailbox, just a stack of bills
Yes, the holidays are over and you are feeling ill
Have a happy Christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
The eggnog's made you fat, the party is over
'Cept for your wacky Uncle who is still drinking your beer
Turkey's great on Christmas bur after a whole month
Of turkey pie stew and pie you start to dread lunch
Breakfast is much scarier cuz all there is to eat
Is fourteen Christmas cakes and a bag of cranberries
Have a happy Christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
Your uncle's in the bathroom and granny's on the sofa
And you start to wish that they'd just disappear
You ate too many liquor-filled chocolates
Got no money left in your pockets
But at least you got lots of
Ugly sweaters and bow ties and socks
(And twenty-two calenders!)
You're skin is pale and pasty, your energy is spent
Along with all the money you need to pay the rent
The children are all crying 'cuz they've broken all their toys
Is this misery worth one day of joy?
Have a happy Christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
Your uncle has passed out on granny on the sofa
And you start to wish that you could disappear
And you start to wish that you cold disappear

THINGS ARE LOOKING BAD FOR SANTA
When Christmas rolls around Santa's busy in his shop
Managing his elves and trying to cut costs
His plant is out of date it needs modernization
He has quite a large debt accumulation
Elves are expensive, they do not come cheap
And you would not believe the bills for the heat
Santa stands to lose everything he owns
If he defaults on yet another of his loans
Things are looking bad for Santa
He can slip down chimneys but he can't balance accounts
Things are looking bad for Santa
If he wrote a cheque it probably would bounce
He hires an accountant to come and advise
The accountant says that he has been unwise
Cuz even if the costs were cut down drastically
It's still hard to make money giving things away for free
Santa Claus decides to wipe the slate clean
He lays off half the elves and buys mordern machines
Then he auctions off all unnecessary stock
He gets a lot for Rudolf from Ripley's believe it or not
Things are looking bad for Santa
He's made all sorts of changes but it hasn't fixed a thing
Things are looking bad for Santa
Misses Claus has left him and the elves are picketing
Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! The big fat pig has got to go!
Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! The big fat pig has got to go!
Santa's had enough he locks the elves outside
He butchers all the reindeer and sells off all their hides
He sells his shop to Disney and leaves the north pole
To go find cheaper labour down in Mexico

CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE
Chorus
Christmas is almost here (x3)
Aaahhhggggrrr!
It's just five days till Christmas, I haven't done a thing
Don't even have a Christmas tree, I am panicking
Most lots are all sold out, I search until the night
I end up with a grubby shrub with a case of blight
Chorus
It's four days till Christmas, still have to decorate
Spend hours in the basement until I find the crate
Of lights and bulbs and popcorn strings, tangled in a knot
Then I spend the day separating what I've got
Chorus
It's three days till Christmas, I spent all day writing cards
I started writing letters now I just say "best regards"
I shove 'em in a mailbox and to the mall I go
To get gifts for Jim and Jane and Tim and Uncle Joe (and aunt Mavis and Grandma and ....)
Chorus
Two days till Christmas, a million things to do
Clean the house, put on tea, company is due
Where are my in-laws, they should have shown up
I bet they're at the airport I forgot to pick them up
Chorus (x4)
Christmas is here
It's finally Christmas, the kids wake me up at five
I fall downstairs a messy haired zombie, half-alive
Spend all day serving company, then fall down inert
If these are my holidays I'd rather stay at work

THE CHRISTMAS BLUES
Christmas is here, where did the time go?
Got to load up the reindeer, put on my red suit and go
I use to like Christmas, but every year it gets worse
Getting gift to six billion people is just too much damn work
Got the Christmas blues, man this job is killing me
And most of these stupid new houses don't even have chimneys
I use to be jolly, now I'm depressed
Had a twinkle in my eye, now I've got a bullet proof vest
Cuz if the pace don't kill me, some gun totting yahoo will
They keep shooting at me like I'm some sort of big fat red criminal
Got the Christmas blues, I'm starting to see
That I gotta be some sort of loser to get paid in milk and cookies
I've grown to hate kids, especially their mail
Always asking me for stuff, well guess what I don't care, oh
Maybe I'm getting cranky as I get old
Cuz I feel like giving them all a big lump of coal
Got the Christmas blues, man, enough is enough
Next year you can find some other sucker to deliver this stuff
Got the Christmas blues, I tell you I'm gonna quit
And find me a steady job with good benefits

THE SAME CHRISTMAS CAKE
Christmas makes me realize how greatly things do change
Friends lose touch, people age, and family moves away
But it is what had stayed the same that gives me the most tears
For I've had the same Christmas cake for almost thirty years
Granny made it back in sixty-eight and gave it to my mom
Who gave it to her uncle who gave it to her son
Who then gave it to me and that is where it stuck
For I was only three months old and clearly out of luck
Each Christmas of my childhood that fruit-brick would return
My mom would place it on a plate and tell me I must learn
That it is rude to get a gift and not put it to use
And every year I'd take a bite and chip another tooth
After fifteen years of misery I'd had all I could take
That summer I went camping and dropped it in the lake
I thought that I was rid of it, but on Christmas eve
There it was "from Santa Claus" under the Christmas tree
Each year I'd try to lose it but it would just return
So I cried out "oh why have I been given such a burden?"
A voice replied, "it's not a curse, but the greatest gift"
"For when all else abandons you, you will still have it."
For all of man's creations slowly waste away
Relationships do crumble and buildings do decay
The pyramids and stonehenge slowly disappear
But if they were made of Christmas cake they'd last a million years

  

I like toast